I realize, whenever I face one of my greatest, and I must add, irrational fears,

no one really gives a damn.

Except when I force them to, of course. I don't blame them but I did hope that that wasn't the case.

I basically have only 2 options left. One is to rid of this fear, second to find someone who cares enough (and doesn't work night shifts) to protect me from it. Both are as unlikely to happen as the other.

poor, poor me.

What really bothers me is that when I was stuck with this fear I have, I became aware that I am living in a lonely world. Even when there were people around me, and people I could call, there was no one who understood me, or my fears. There is no such thing as sympathy or empathy that lasts.

I am in fact, alone.

Happy New Year everyone (:

If you were asked to tell a story, would it put others to sleep?

I have deleted my past posts again because they aren't very exciting to look back to. Just like my blog, my life has no history. Ask me what's the happiest day of my life, I won't be able to tell you. Ask me what's the saddest day of my life, I can't tell you either. Ask me what I have used all my heart and soul to fight for, nothing.

My life is like the HDB flats in Singapore, clean and structured, just like all other buildings on the same island.

I am the same as anyone else.

Why?

Because I am afraid of adventures I guess. I follow the path that is safe, as if there's insurance for it.

I yearn for the confidence to break into a life of history. A life with color, a life that tests the boundaries of my senses.

Either this is gonna be the start of something new, or I am going back to being a nobody forever. The latter does not sound all that appealing at all.

I am excited to go to the US. I believe I can find my confidence there. To absorb some culture, some history and some motivation. To see the reason why the west is always leading the trends.

I need to start telling myself that I am better than what I imagine myself to be. I need to stop freaking out when I speak in front of an audience. I need to end the pessimism and grow up.

Wish me luck?

How can such a great boyfriend ruin so many of your holidays?

It has been weeks since I went to church. Kinda glad that QY went overseas for OCIP because I wouldn't know how to explain to her why I do not want to go to church.

I am beginning to feel that the only reason why I am going to church is because I have been doing so for years. And I hate to explain why I don't feel like it anymore.

I have too many questions that were left unanswered and my faith was not very strong to start with. The bible said all we need is faith, but faith is possibly the hardest thing to do.

I have watched "Prince of Egypt" multiple times and "Avatar" last week. Whether it's God or Eyra, they could really be earlier, but they were not. Why?

Why are my mother and sister sick? Why is my father who worked hard for us since the day he laid down his commitment still working so hard? If it's so easy, then heal us right now.

I am so tired of pretending that I am so sure God is here. I am not sure going to church because it's a habit makes God happy anyway. I am not sure if I have gone astray.